Deadliest parody
by Stylus of Gold
Summary: Just something I dug up from my earlier days, back when I was full of RAGE at this show. It's Delta Force vs Space Marines.


**Chapter 1–Space marine vs Delta Force**

Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. Deadliest Warrior, Deadliest Warrior: Season two and Deadliest Warrior: Season three are all owned by Spike TV, Spike TV and more Spike TV. Please support the official release.

Disclaimer disclaimer: The preceding disclaimer is a TFS thing. I didn't invent it.

Also, I do not own Warhammer 40k or Dawn of war.

Also, this is an old thing I wrote in my spare time years ago and just recently dug up, so it really won't have the same quality control or even writing style of my more recent works. But hey, it's funny, so here it is.

The Delta force, America's top counter-terrorism special unit…  
*We see an operative sniping a terrorist at 500 yards*

The Space Marines, supersoldiers of the 41st millenium…  
*We see one space marine holding off an army of orks with a heavy bolter*

**Who? Is? Deadliest?**

To find out, our world class fighters are testing histories most lethal weapons. Using 21st century science, we'll see what happens when the two warriors go toe to toe. No rules. No safety. No mercy. It's a duel to the death, to decide who is...THE DEADLIEST WARRIOR!

Master Sgt. Thomas Verne, member of delta force: "Delta force is the best special forces unit in America, and America has the best armed forces in the world. When I look at the space marines, I see medieval knights with guns. There's a reason the knights dissapeared: Guns. And we're a modern, advanced fighting force, the best in the world, and we have guns. Lots of guns."

Captain Gabriel Angelos, captain of the blood ravens 3rd company: "We are the space marines! We are the Emperor's fury! We know no fear, for we are fear incarnate!"

Delta Force  
1977-present  
6'1"  
165 lbs

Space Marines  
31st millenium-41st millenium  
7'6"  
320 lbs

We will test their weapons, from long range rifles to cold steel:

Delta Force:  
M9 Beretta  
M4 assault carbine  
M107 Barret .50 caliber sniper rifle  
M249 SAW  
M9 bayonet/multi-purpose knife

Space Marines:  
Astartes-patttern Bolt Pistol  
Godwyn-pattern Boltgun  
Astartes-pattern Sniper rifle  
Astartes-pattern Heavy bolter  
Mk II "Hell's teeth" Chainsword

First, we'll test each team's short range weapons…

Sgt. Vickers: Alright, this is the M9 pistol. It's semiautomatic, 9mm, and deadly accurate.  
Max: Alright, I like this gun. It's good, reliable, and makes no jokes: This is a sidearm you want to take with you everywhere you go.  
Geoff: Okay. I want you to fire that thing at these targets we've set up. two at 20 m, 3 at 40 m. You'll be timed, and we'll inspect the damage.

*Verne fires 2 rounds into each close target,hitting with all in the chest*  
Geoff: Double-tap, I like it.  
*He then aims in, and fires at the distant targets. He puts 3 rounds into the first, missing with 1, then 2 into the next, missing with one then 1 into the last one, hitting the head*  
Max: 15 seconds!  
Geoff: Woah man! You bullseyed this guy!  
Dr. Dorian: Alright, so all of these hit in potentially lethal locations, so if he's not dead he's on the ground. The double-tapping makes it doubly effective, so good job.  
Angelos: This is the Astartes-pattern bolt pistol, a constant companion in a life of unending war. .75 caliber, self-propelled, armour-piercing explosive rounds are standard.  
Geoff: Alright, same test. Shoot 'em up.  
*Angelos fires and hits the first target's head, which explodes*  
Geoff: Holy $^* !  
*Angelos proceeds to effortlessly hit the next 2, who suffer similar results, then causes a head-explosion in the next, and finally takes one hand off of it and nails the last one in the shoulder, blowing it off*  
Dr. Dorian: Yeah, these guys got their heads and organs blown up, so I'd say these are kill shots.

So who's short range weapon gets the edge?

Dr. Dorian: The 9 mm round can kill if it hits the right spot, but you'll be alive for a little while, you may even be able to give as good as you got. With the bolt pistol though… your torso exploded. Not much you can do.

Edge: Bolt Pistol

Next, the team tests their long-ranged weaponry, starting with the astartes pattern sniper rifle.

Sgt. Cyrus, Blood Ravens recon company: This is my sniper rifle. I used it to kill the ork Mek Badzappa, as well as the eldar farseer Idranel. It's similar to your sniper rifles, but it uses superior propellant, fires 25 mm adamantium-core rounds, and has a variable-power, 2-120X scope.  
Geoff: Alright, what do you think is the best you can do?  
Cyrus: Set up 3 targets at 2000 meters. No need to set up a bipod.  
Geoff: But, no-one could use a monster like that without a bipod…  
Cyrus: Clearly you don't know many space marines.

*Cyrus fires his first round, and it rips through the first target's chest. His second grazes the head and takes a chunk out of it. The last one tears through the abdomen*  
Geoff: That's just incredible. 2000 meters, 3 targets, and he nailed every one of them. That's definitely some impressive marksmanship.

Sgt. Verne: But we won't be standing up. Because unlike you with your bulky armour, we wear camouflage and can lie down. We'll always get the first shot, and with this weapon, that shot will always kill.  
Sgt. 1st class Gary N. Freeguy: This is the Barrett .50 caliber sniper rifle. It's standard issue, because it gets the job done. So, I'll go out and show you how this thing works.  
*3 targets are set up at 1200 meters. Sgt. Freeguy nails the first target on the first target, then misses the next, then hits it in the head. He then fires 3 shots, 1 of which hits the target in the abdomen*  
Geoff: Congrats. Now, the thing I like about this is that you can fire it while on the ground, concealed. So the Space Marine won't even be able to see you in a camouflage coat. And in a sniper fight, that's everything.  
Angelos: My armour is not there to encumber us. It protects us from virtually all harm.  
Sgt. Freeguy: I'd like to see that against a .50 caliber APHC bullet.  
Angelos: No. You'd like to see it against a 40 mm shell. Because I don't think you've ever seen it deflect off a cuirass.  
Geoff: Alright, tell me about your armour.  
Angelos: It's made primarily of ceramite & advanced, bulletproof alloys. It's nearly an inch thick, and is powered by fibre bundles which make it nearly weightless. We are also integrated with it via the "Black Carapace" implant, which makes this armour like a second skin.  
Geoff: Alright. Now, nearly an inch of shaped ceramite and advanced alloys… That's about equal to a 1 inch steel sheet, maybe? So, fire away.  
Angelos: A space marine's armour is vastly superior–  
Freeguy: And guns are the reason heavy armour disappeared. Maybe it'll protect against "Lasers" but not against this weapon.  
*Freeguy fires at the target, and the APHC round rips through the armour, tearing into the target*  
Geoff: Wow!  
Angelos: That is no space marine armour! It's not even fit for a scout! Test it with my armour, or even Cyrus's lighter armour, and I assure you you will not scratch it! Not to mention, that was a sniper rifle at point-blank range! Any other weapon in your arsenal–  
Geoff: I think you're trying to backpedal over evidence that we see right here.

So, who's rifle gets the edge?  
Dr. Dorian: The superior marksmanship of the space marine, all the way.  
Max: That's an X-Factor. I think that with the .50 caliber, you can do it while lying down, so edge .50 cal.  
Geoff: If you can't see him, and he's got a weapon like that, you're dead. Edge .50 cal.

Edge: .50 caliber.

Next, we'll test the team's other long range weapons…

Sgt. Verne: This is the 5.56 mm LSW. It's used to lay down cover fire for our squad when we're advancing, among other things.  
Geoff: Alright. There's 10 targets in varying degrees of cover. I want to see you wipe 'em out.  
Sgt. Verne: Can do.  
*Verne starts firing, and soon has killed 8 out of the 10 with short bursts of automatic fire and a single long burst of suppressing fire before running out of bullets*  
Dr. Dorian: Nice job. 6 of these were kills, 2 were severe wounds.  
Angelos: Hah! We would have killed every one of them.  
Sgt. Verne: How 'bout you put your money where your mouth is.

Cyrus: This is the heavy bolter. It's used in devastator squads to defend emplacements, or by members of tactical squads to provide fire support. It's been a while since I used one of these, but I once killed 51 orks with it.  
Geoff: Alright, same test, 10 targets. Shoot 'em up.  
*Cyrus fires, obliterating those targets he hits and destroying the cover of those he misses. Soon he has killed 2 and annihilated 8, all within 15 seconds*  
Geoff: Holy $&*%! You just blew through their cover!  
Max: I'm sorry, but those were hundred caliber explosive shells. What did you expect?

Geoff: Alright, he doesn't need to reload, he doesn't need to stop, he doesn't even need to worry about most cover. Edge: heavy bolter.  
Max: Yeah, edge heavy bolter.  
Dr. Dorian: Absolutely.

Edge: Heavy Bolter

Next, the teams go close and vicious, testing out their special weapons…  
Geoff: Alright, what is this?  
Angelos: This is our most intimidating weapon: The Mk II "hell's teeth" chainsword. It's used by assault forces when the fighting gets close. It can cleave a raging xeno monstrosity in two in one cut, then scatter it's fellows to the winds in their terror!  
Geoff: Alright, let's take it out and see what you can do with it to a pig.  
Angelos: Such an unworthy target. This was made to cut through 7-foot tall orks!  
Sgt. Freeguy: Well, let's see it cut through ballistic armour then. While it's easy to stab through, a slash won't even cut the guy.  
Angelos: Alright. Let's see.

*Angelos turns on the sword, and then rips through the armour, into the pig, and out the other end, bifurcating it*

Geoff: Woah! That's just brutal! I mean, that was like going through wet tissue paper!

Dr. Dorian: This is a savage weapon. It's just… wow… the Viking great-axe couldn't have done better.

But the Delta Force team is not impressed.

Sgt. Freeguy: While you're getting out that big honking sword and revving it up, I'm shooting you or stabbing you. There's a reason swords disappeared from modern warfare.

Geoff: Alright, can you explain this weapon to us?  
Sgt. Freeguy: Yes. This is the M9 bayonet. It's a can opener, it's a bayonet, it's a combat knife, it's an all-purpose item, unlike our opponent's impressive-but-impractical sword.  
Cpt. Angelos: If you try to get through power armour with a knife like that, it will break.  
Max: That armour was shown to be just for show during the sniper rifle test.  
Cpt. Angelos: That was one test with one weapon against woefully substandard armour. I would barely even call that fit for a guardsman, much less a space marine. You won't even be able to pierce the flesh if you were targeting a space marine with that knife!

*Sgt. Freeguy walks up to the gel torso and grabs it by the head. He then stabs it's neck and cuts outwards, slicing through the throat. Then he stabs upward, piercing the abdomen. He then rips the knife out and steps back*

Geoff: Woah! Who knew a knife like that could do so much damage?  
Dr. Dorian: Both of these are definite kill-shots.  
Cpt. Angelos: If you could grab us at that range, if we didn't cave in your skull with our bare hands, if you went for the neck shot, if you hit us just right in the gaps of our armour, you might puncture an artery and force us into a healing coma after about 15 seconds of bleeding, during which time we'd kill you and your whole squadron.  
Max: That's an X-Factor, and X-Factors like training, teamwork, near-total invulnerability, bulletproof skin, and car-crushing strength make up 20% of the result.  
Cpt. Angelos: So an unarmed Space Marine, according to you, could not defeat a blind paraplegic with a handgun?!  
Max: Not always, but I would bet on the blind man.

So which weapon gets the edge?

Geoff: It's like he said. The M9 can be taken out faster and is more versatile, whereas the chainsword is impressive, but impractical.  
Dr. Dorian: Yeah, I mean, if it can kill, and do it more efficiently than the other, that's an edge.

Edge: M9 Bayonet

Finally, we'll test their mid-range weaponry: The Boltgun vs the M4 Carbine

Geoff: Alright, so explain this gun to me.  
Sgt. Verne: This is the standard US Special Forces assault carbine with 5.56 mm rounds.  
Geoff: Alrighty. We've got 8 targets at 10-15 m range. I want to see you gun 'em down in as little time as possible.

*Verne Fires in disciplined bursts, hitting the first 4, then does a full-auto spray to finish off the last ones*  
Geoff: Nice! 6 seconds, with ammo to spare!

Geoff: So Cyrus, tell me about this boltgun.  
Cyrus: It is the signature weapon of the space marines. Semiautomatic, 30 shots, with the same rounds as the bolt pistol.  
Geoff: Alright, same test. Let's see you beat their time.

*Cyrus fires at them one by one, exploding one chest a second and not missing once*  
Geoff: 8 seconds, good job.

But who's weapon gets the edge?

Dr. Dorian: It's again a question of small-caliber injury or chest explosion. Edge: Boltgun.  
Geoff: Yeah, but if you pump that many shots into someone, it really doesn't matter.  
Max: Also, he beat Cyrus' time. So edge: M4.

Edge: M4 Carbine.

We've tested all their weaponry, but now to decide the X-Factors, with 0 being impossibly low, and 100 being the perfect warrior…

Max: I think the main X-Factors which will go into this are training, operational experience, tactics, physicality and teamwork.

Max: For training, we gave Delta Force a 95 because they're America's premier Special Ops Forces, and the Space Marines a 100 for their decades-long, drop-dead intensity training.  
For Operational experience, we gave the Delta Force a 91, because they serve anywhere terrorism is which is practically everywhere, and the Space Marines a 100 due to 10,000 years of operations against humans, aliens and daemons.  
For Tactics, we gave the Delta Force a 92 for being able to blend the tactics of the various forces they're from, and the Space Marines a 75 because of their great battlefield know-how but insistence on the tried-and-true.  
For Teamwork, we gave the Delta Force an 85 for their impressive co-operation track record, and the Space Marines a 98 for being brothers united by genetics & faith.  
And for Physicality, we gave Delta Force an 82 for their rigorous standards, and the Space Marines we gave a 101 for their literally superhuman might.  
Max: Now we just need to punch it into the sim & see what happens.

*5 Space Marines prepare to breach a building. Suddenly, one of them gets shot in the head. A Delta Force sniper radios his squad "One down" X. He fires again, but the Space Marines have gotten into cover. One spots him, and blows his head off with a bolt shell x. Two more DF operatives move in, darting from building to building. A space marine runs down the street, while another takes cover and sets up his heavy bolter. The others enter the building, shoot the civilian couple within saying "The Emperor avenges," they then take up firing positions in the windows. The first operative rounds the corner and gets blown to smithereens by the heavy bolter x, but then another guns the space marine down with his SAW X. Then the space marine running down the street runs into the delta force leader, who double-taps with the M9, one to the chest, one to the head X, Then the other operative rounds the corner and shoots his M4, wounding one of the space marines in the building before taking a boltgun shell to the chest x, then the SAW operative moves in as they're distracted. He enters the building and takes out his pistol, firing it into a space marine, but the marine lives and blows his arm off with the bolt pistol x. The leader then goes in, picking up the SAW before entering and gunning down the injured marine X. He then takes out his pistol and continues. He finds the marine leader, who shoots at him with his bolter, but he ducks behind a doorway. The marine leader takes out his chainsword, but as he revs it up the DF leader charges out, grabs his arm, takes a punch to the face, and plunges his knife into the marine leader's neck. X As his foe dies, he raises his bloody knife and shouts "'De opresso Liber!"*

Weapon Effectiveness Weapon Effectiveness  
Chainsword 47% M9 bayonet 53%  
Bolter 49% M4 51%  
Bolt pistol 59% M9 pistol 41%  
Heavy bolter 53% SAW 47%  
Sniper rifle 45% .50 cal Barrett 55%  
Space Marine 4,999 Delta Force 5,001

Geoff: I didn't expect it, but you should never underestimate American grit and ingenuity, I guess.

Sgt. Verne: America is the best country in the world with the best army in the world, and DF is the best of the best. Of course we won.  
Max: It's almost too close to call, but I guess this goes to show that 38,000 years of technology doesn't mean you can just walk all over America.  
Dr. Dorian: As a doctor, I have to say, the marine's armour was their downfall. If full suits of armour were effective against modern weapons, people would still wear them.  
Cpt. Angelos: The honour of our chapter has been slighted by this flag-waving farce. Cyrus, show them what happens when mere humans slight a Space Marine chapter. Leave one alive to tell their government. Then we'll see if their little Delta Force can kill us…


End file.
